The Alphabet According To Karen Walker
M is for Mood Elevators.
1. A is for Assface.
Assface [noun]: a person whose face looks like a butt.
2. B is for Beaverhausen.
Beaverhausen [noun]: where the beaver lives; handy to use as part of an alias.
3. C is for Chanel.
Chanel [noun]: rich people clothes.
4. D is for Designated Drinker.
Designated Drinker [noun]: a friend who is never sober.
5. E is for Emotions.
Emotions [noun]: feelings only weak people experience.
6. F is for Frosted Glass.
Frosted Glass [noun]: the ideal vessel for a cocktail.
7. G is for Gin.
Gin [noun]: broth for drunks.
8. H is for High Road.
High Road [noun]: the route you take when you’re high.
9. I is for Immortal.
Immortal [adjective]: the ability to live forever, usually through a pact with the devil.
10. J is for Juice Boxes.
Juice Boxes [noun]: cheap wine for adults.
11. K is for Karen Walker.
Karen Walker [noun]: the oldest, drunkest, most fabulous woman on Earth.
12. L is for Look.
Look [noun]: the exhausting act of directing one’s gaze toward something.
13. M is for Mood Elevators.
Mood Elevators [noun]: happy pills.
14. N is for Nobody.
Nobody [noun]: any person who is not Karen Walker.
15. O is for Outside.
Outside [noun]: a location separate from your mansion.
16. P is for Pretend.
Pretend [verb]: the act of feigning interest in Grace Adler’s life.
17. Q is for Quack.
Quack [noun]: harsh sound used to shut people up.
18. R is for Regret.
Regret [verb]: a feeling often associated with alcohol.
19. S is for Slap.
Slap [verb]: to hit someone with an open hand in order to show them who’s boss.
20. T is for Tact.
Tact [noun]: sensitivity in dealing with humorless people.
21. U is for Under the Sink.
Under the Sink [noun]: a place to store and find prescription drugs.
22. V is for Vodka.
Vodka [noun]: alcohol, for when there is no gin.
23. W is for What’s This?
What’s This [phrase]: a question to which Grace rarely has an answer.
24. X is for Xanax.
Xanax [noun]: anxiety medication used by Karen as a security blanket.
25. Y is for You Know.
You Know [phrase]: a way to clue your friends in on your hobbies.
26. Z is for Zoo.
Zoo [noun]: a place to poke bears.
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